Dealing with grief.

“DENIAL

Life makes no sense.

This is all one bad dream. Vanessa isn’t dead. It isn’t my best friend’s body on the news. It has to be a different girl. I can’t imagine how her loved ones feel, seeing her lifeless body displayed for people who never knew who she was, to judge and make fun of. I can’t find out Vanessa is dead from the news. Vanessa cannot be gone.

ANGER

She should have never gone on that date. Who even uses Tinder anyway? I wish romcoms stopped glamorizing going on dates with strangers. If only she had listened to the crime podcasts I sent her, she’d have known that 70% of girls who go on Tinder dates die. I should have done more and convinced her not to go. If only I weren’t so immersed in work, this isn’t fair. I never got to say goodbye.

BARGAINING

Vanessa loved walking through tulip fields, and picking them up as she ran across the fields. She loved how they smelt, and I loved the smell because I loved her. We loved walking across the fields, staring at the sunset with grass underneath our feet. I loved hearing her laugh, it was more of a screech but I loved it. She is my best friend. I would give anything to walk through fields with her one last time.

DEPRESSION

Most days feel like I’m falling into a pit but I never land. It hurts to think about you and the memories we shared. Everything is hopeless. My therapist says it gets better but that’s the last thing I want; there is no better life without you. Dad says I’m a shell of who I once was. He knows nothing; this is who I am. I was only happy because of you; now my happiness is gone.

ACCEPTANCE

Bad days never go away. I still feel myself falling, but I’m okay with it. Vanessa will always be by my side.”

She woke up in a cold sweat having experienced the five stages of grief. It had been 745 days since Vanessa died